The Cheesy Romance – A Surprise Visit

•February 10, 2020 • Leave a Comment

A post from August 2014 I never shared.

“One thing that I love about my current boyfriend N is that he randomly visits me.

A little background on N is that we met at University on a trip to Normandy. This may sound like the cheesiest thing ever but soon as we met we just could not help but stare into each others eyes. This could easily be labelled as love at first sight and sure enough after a couple of months we were in a relationship, so it seemed only right to call this ‘The Cheesy Romance.’

When at University things were great because he only lived downstairs from me in Student Accommodation, however currently I live in the Midlands and he lives near London. In reality this is only a three hour car journey but it is still a long way and can cost a lot in fuel, so needless to say I no longer see him everyday. This does however mean that when I do see him it is even more special. Well today he surprised me.

I received a text saying he was outside and I ran out to him and gave him a big hug. I was wearing my jeans and a crop top, a style which he does not fully approve of, and he was wearing a shirt and jeans. We got in his car and I decided I wanted to have time just us and I knew exactly where I wanted to go.”

I don’t know where we went but reading this reminds me how something thoughtful can make all the difference. That a surprise doesn’t have to be a gift of something material, that instead the biggest gift you can give someone is your time.

Feeling Lost in the New Year

•February 4, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I have never been good with change but I feel this is more than just issues with change, it is about losing a part of myself. I will explain what has happened since New Year so it makes sense.

I started the year with some form of balance in my life between my friends and love life and had a direction for a career change. I was not only catching up with my friends regularly, I generally felt loved up and close with my boyfriend A and was looking to apply for a route into Teaching. I couldn’t be happier and the year seemed like it was going in the right direction.

After a couple of weeks though this balance seemed to change as communication broke down with my best friend N, I no longer liked the career change I had in mind and my relationship was suffering. It amazed me how quickly things fell apart. I felt as though the wind had been knocked right out of me with all areas crumbling at once. It was as though I became fully isolated and couldn’t reach out to anyone as the closest people in my life now felt a million miles away from me. I kept myself to myself for a week until I felt really low and then attempted to reach out to both A and my best friend for hope of support, reassurance and understanding. The good thing was my boyfriend A was there for me, it turned out he felt equally as lost as me and through communication we are now closer than we have ever been before and are now making plans for the future. We are not rushing into anything though,as we are just discussing and planning things but it has made me realise we are on the same page and at the same point in our lives. It has been the support and comfort I needed. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of my best friend and it is due to this I have found myself lost.

A best friend is someone you connect with, someone who is there for you and you support equally, someone that you don’t need to explain everything to as they just understand how you feel because they know you. This was how things were with my best friend anyway. We practically had a different language and had worked so hard to maintain our friendship in the past year I felt it was unbreakable. Little did I know how quickly it could change.
Our communication broke down initially as he was seeing friends, with him being distracted I just found I longed for a proper catch up. When given the opportunity to catch up though I initially found him out of reach and panicked, thinking the worst had happened. This wasn’t the case, he had just misplaced his phone so we had a pointless argument but it was quickly resolved with a phone call and we were able to catch up finally. I felt happy being updated on his life but also found myself having to adapt to the fact he had met someone he was intrigued by. This was something I had not come across with him before and so was not sure how to really react or feel. Fortunately we talked things through and he explained how I was the closest person in his life due to how much we had been through together in nearly 3 years and that he valued my friendship and had accepted I was a priority in his life. This was really comforting as often I have found when my male friends get interested in the opposite sex our friendship suffers as communication breaks down until eventually the friendship is lost. N however had reassured me this was not the case, he even said that at the weekend he would let me know when he was free to meet up, this did make me feel like a priority, even if only briefly.
Needless to say I noticed a change within a week, he was not talking to me as often as usual, his responses became vague and he no longer seemed interested in anything regarding me, not even a simple ‘how are you?’. I thought it might of just been a phase so gave him space and just looked forward to a catch up at the weekend as he did say he would let me know when he was free. On Saturday he updated me on what he had been up to, his thoughts and feelings, they were still vague and when I gave any comment he went defensive. It was as though I couldn’t communicate with him any more, he had forgotten how to respond to me as I couldn’t say anything without it turning into an argument. I explained myself, that I wasn’t arguing and just looking for reassurance, he just didn’t seem to understand. Things ended okay on the Saturday with him going sleep but I didn’t hear from him until the very end of Sunday. He had not told me when he was free for me to see him again and he had not asked anything about me, what I had been up to or how I was. In all honestly had he asked I probably would of been vague as well as I don’t know if he would really be interested. Everything I had feared, that he had reassured me wouldn’t happen happened in less than a week. So I didn’t respond to his message on Sunday, which he didn’t seem to notice.
He messaged again on Monday just saying ‘Hey’ so again I din’t respond. It became clear he doesn’t really want to know what’s going on with me any more, that since meeting someone new I no longer mattered. It took him a week from then to message again, asking ‘What is this?’ If he really wanted to know and really cared surely he would ring me for a catch up, but he doesn’t. It is not how I expected things to go at all, especially not from a best friend, a friendship that had been worked so hard for over the past year alone. It is because of this I feel lost. I still don’t know whether to message and explain this to him or just to leave it and see what happens. But I do know that I feel I have lost part of myself.

Thoughts: Unsaid

•August 20, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Full of so much emotion and so many things to say and knowing it is best left unsaid is so painful.

I want to tell you things will be alright, I want you to know I really do care and I miss you every day, every morning, every evening, every hour, every drive I go on … I look at my phone and want nothing more than to see your name flash on my screen but I know it is for the best it doesn’t.

Knowing that this pain is easier than talking to you is horrible. Talking to you is not the same, it never will be and it is my fault. I know this and I am sorry. I don’t know what I want, I will admit that but I know that not talking to you I feel something is missing. It is a selfish want of mine, just to be able to talk to you. I want it so bad. I just know it would hurt you and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I would say I want to be cut loose from this emotion but I am grateful for the pain, it lets me know I really did really do love you.

I have something of yours that I need to return to you. It is funny, I remember all the times I tried to return it to you and you never accepted it but now you want it back I don’t want to let go.  I keep thinking about how I am going to do it, just to return it on its own, to return it with a note but I know you probably would not want a note. That again would be me being selfish.

I just hope you know this is not easy for me.
I am sorry for how this has turned out.
I just want you to be happy.

Starting Over

•February 24, 2015 • Leave a Comment

starting over

Yet again I have turned my life in on itself, I have changed my hair colour and style but most significantly I have ended another relationship.

Though changing my hair will not appear to be a big deal it really was. I have never got tired of the style but I got to the point where I wanted a change because I didn’t like it any more, possibly to the point I was actually bored with it. This was enough of a reason to decide a change was necessary. I didn’t have a second thought and made the decision over night. I went to the hair dressers; picked two colours which would boldly sit next to one another and told her the style I wanted. She changed my parting and started shaping my hair before dying it. This was it, I had made the decision and there was no going back. I didn’t mind at all. After leaving it to set it was time to rinse and dry my hair, the ‘major unveiling’ of what my hair actually looked like. The colours were distinctively different to what it was before and she again started shaping the hair. With every part being cut I knew this would be permanent, well until my hair starts to grow anyway. Surprisingly though when it was done I didn’t feel a huge sense of shock or surprise, it just seemed to fit better and I instantly accepted it and liked it. I looked different and felt different, I wanted to show off my new look and though this was quite a little change in the grand scheme of things it was still a change. The reasons for this however could not be any more different to the reasons for ending my relationship.

Relationships can be the most complicated things at the best of times let alone at the worst. With regards to this one though it has had highs and lows and the lows surprisingly even made it better in some aspects but ultimately I found myself unhappy and at times feeling lost.

Now I know that in relationships, particularly ones that last a while, you lose the idea of ‘I’ and it becomes ‘We’ and I actually liked this, even if at times I found it daunting, but this was more than that. Instead I lost myself in the sense that I no longer recognised who I was or what I wanted. I found that I was just going along with the flow. There is nothing wrong with this, except that when I stopped to focus on the traits that made me ‘Me’ I found traits I didn’t recognise and that I didn’t actually like. I had become someone I didn’t like. I had avoided focusing on me for so long that I had lost parts of me along the way. I instead found a person that was stubborn, self-loathing, jealous and irritable just to name a few. I started taking quizzes and reading articles in a hope to discover more about myself by answering questions on preferences, things I had done and things I wanted to do, thinking it would help me figure out what I wanted. This brought me to a quiz on relationships, suitability for relationships in particular. In taking this quiz I found that I was anything but suitable for a relationship. This was horrible, I felt horrible, I felt like I had let my boyfriend down and that he deserved better, so that’s what I did. I tried to be better. I tried to make more time; I tried to avoid things I know he didn’t like and all I found was further unhappiness as I had lost myself even more. I found that trying to change was not helping me feel better at all and that I was even further from discovering who I am. It was at this point that I came to the conclusion that I need to figure out who I am before I can be in a relationship.

This was something that I didn’t want to accept but with more issues adding to it such as distance I found it was a decision I could no longer avoid. Whether this is the right decision or not, I do not know. All I know is that I want to find myself again, I want to like me again and not focusing on the fact that other people like me. This has been the hardest decision because I know the pain I am causing my now ex-boyfriend in doing this and I don’t know if that will be reversible. I love him so much, I have my own little world with him but this is something I feel I need to do and I hope that at the end I will find happiness within myself and that he will forgive me.

So here is to starting over, on a journey of self discovery. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long journey.

A Thank You

•January 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Ever been in such a bad place you do not know where to turn, what to think or what to do? I have. And I am there right now. Too many thoughts in my head all telling me conflicting things, but fortunately I have found something that helps. What helps me is to read and write. To write down everything that is in my head so as to make sense of my thoughts and to read blogs of people who may possibly relate.

So I would like thank you bloggers . Your thoughts feelings and experiences are helping me come to terms with my own and helping me figure what to do next. So thanks again.

No Idea

•August 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

It is only from talking to my friend T that I realise I have no idea what things I want to achieve in life.

T is a year younger than me and a man from my past. Getting back in touch after many years I have realised how much people can grow up and change. He has aspirations for a career, knowing to get a career in place for stability before thinking of family and travelling, and yet still has aspirations for those to. Do not get me wrong, I am wise enough to realise that a career or at least a decent job is key to luxuries in life and the best thing to get in place before getting financially down trodden by a mortgage, spouse, children, etc … However I am also very aware that there is nothing I truly aspire to achieve.

  • I would love to be a Teacher, but if it doesn’t work out there are other routes I can take and get fulfilment out of.
  • I would love to get Married and have my first child before I am 30, but I sometimes think I could happily never be married or have children.
  • I would love to Travel, explore new places, take photos, but I think of things I would miss at home and that I am happy staying still.

I have analysed to death all the things I want to achieve and I guess part of me doesn’t want to set something in stone because I am afraid to fail. That or that I am so used to adjusting with changes in events and people I just automatically have a back up so I don’t feel disappointed. Whatever it is, is it bad that I have no idea what is important to me right now?

Not Having Deadlines

•October 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I can honestly say I have never missed a deadline. When I hear the term deadline I know I have something I need to do, and a set time to do it. Though having them can be annoying and stressful, I also find they are good for giving me the motivation I need to get things done. Unfortunately not everything in life has a deadline, some times you just have to find the motivation within yourself. This I find very difficult. In particular with regards to being right by people who matter to me.

On more than one occasion I have not rearranged a meet up, or got in touch with a friend, just because I keep telling myself ‘I can do it tomorrow’. The tomorrow which can take days, weeks, if not months to come around. All my friends know is that someday I will make time for them. To friends that know me well, this is annoying but they accept it as me. Other friends however give me a lot of grief for it, and I have even lost a couple of friends due to not finding time for them. I would love to make amends with them, but without a deadline, getting round to it can take a while. And the longer it takes, the more damage it does.

One person I want to make amends with is A. I keep telling him that “someday, somehow I am going to make it alright with him” and all he asks is “when?” The only response I can give him so as to not to let him down or give him false hope is “not right now, but I will.” This helped him at first, because it let him know that I really do care about him and want to make things right. But as time has gone on and things are still no better I can see the damage I am doing. My deadline in my head is the end of university, because then I can focus fully on repairing bonds with people. However due to the damage I have already done, I think it may be irreparable if I leave it that long.

So I find myself having to learn to work without deadlines, and instead prioritising what is important in my life. Which means sacrifices. And in this situation, I think my priority is my university work. I just hope I can redeem things with A.