Close Bond

I cannot speak for everyone, but I know if I have ever been close to someone I never forget that bond.

Now when I say close to someone, I don’t automatically mean someone you have been intimate with. Just someone that you feel comfortable with and able to be your true self around without any fear of being judged or embarrassed by what you may say or do. This may even be a family member, partner or friend.

All I know is there are no limits to your conversation, any subject matter can, and will likely, be discussed ranging from the meaning of life to meal preparations. You can be vulnerable, expose your naivety yet feel empowered and learn together if not from one another.

Often the conversations include multiple tangents to cover such a broad range of subject matter so time restrictions fade as time evades you. The conversations themselves feel limitless and just having the opportunity to have these types of comversations fill you with joy and leave you high on life.

Needless to say, I value the closeness as it doesn’t happen often and I genuinely feel they add to my life. For me, it is as though you are connected to a person on a deeper level, almost like you’re synchronised in some way. Therefore, regardless to what happens between us, I still recall that bond and closeness and it often leaves me with the desire to reach out on a whim to discuss something random and see where the conversation may take us.

A Powerful Dream

I find my dreams captivating in a way that leads me to question my reality.

The vivid details, the overwhelming emotions and my memory of the events convince me, albeit briefly, that my dreams may be real events.

Occasionally the details fade but the feelings stick with me and in this instance have me questioning if I miss you. 3 simple words yet when combined show a vulnerability that can carry so much meaning.

In this instance the question has been highlighted by my dream but nothing more. Nevertheless the feeling and memory of the dream has not left me all day which is why I’ve decided to write this post.

Now I have multiple dreams through the night and the first one was of a first encounter, one I’ve never experienced in my reality yet the faces in the dream were from my memories. The familiarity, the giddiness and thrill were also from my memories and had me on an emotional high, it was a joy to relive and one I didn’t want to end. Alas my sleep was disturbed resulting in my second dream, a dream containing conflict with the same faces that previously had me on an emotional high. I felt uncomfortable, distressed and frustrated as the situation felt out of my control. I wanted nothing more than to resolve the conflict and get back to the feelings of my first dream but it wasn’t meant to be.

Though the storylines were fictional, the faces and feelings weren’t. The emotional rollercoaster I felt shows a power in my dreams, especially as these dreams have highlighted the question, do I miss you?

Finding a Balance

Do you ever feel like you’re muddling through day to day so you’re unaware how quick time is passing?

I do.

I find something, (a birthday, event, deadline, etc …) that was weeks away is now days away and I wonder where the time has gone. It always triggers me to get organised but I often find I fall into the same bad habits:

Writing a To Do list. This works until the list is as long as my arm and I struggle to find time to do things.

Using a calendar to plan events. This helps me find time to do things and get a better understanding how long it takes to complete some tasks.

Getting into a routine. This helps me keep on top of things daily so my to do list isn’t several pages long.

Relax. Once the rush has gone, I relax instead of forward planning and repeat the cycle.

I wonder how much I would achieve if I was more organised. Instead of relaxing I could try to learn a new skill, further my knowledge on something, join a team, socialise or even get another job. On the flip side, if I spread myself too thin I could risk a burn out. It’s about finding the right balance and at 28 I have new challenges that mean the balance that worked a year ago no longer apply. I wonder if getting more organised would help me find a balance…

Ignorance is Bliss

I have always had a curious nature, eg: How is chocolate made? What does walking on the Moon feel like? What happens when you die? (Morbid I know.)

My biggest curiosity though has always been other people. What was their childhood like? What are they interested in? This is because I am genuinely interested in other people’s lives. I find commonalities bring people together and I am fascinated by the stories they have to share. I have a decent imagination and with visualisation find I can be very empathetic.

As I’ve got older I have come to discover everyone has experienced a Darkness in their life; a Death, Depression, Abuse … Something unpleasant that has in someway affected them and sometimes shaped who they are. I often find I can relate but occasionally I am told some truly harrowing tales that strike up some very powerful and hard emotions within me. These are not things they should be ashamed of or feel they need to hide but I do find myself occasionally troubled by the things I am told. This not only allows me to further empathise with their experience but also makes me realise the importance of the phrase, “Ignorance is bliss.”

On the other hand, I have often been surprised to find that someone can relate to a Darkness I’ve experienced. Finding out you are not alone can sometimes make you feel better.

In summary, ignorance is bliss occasionally but communication is key. I am grateful for those who confide in me as I am happy to offer my support, even if it is just a hug.

Rome: An Unforgettable Journey

When I see images of the Colosseum at night I always remember being there with N. It was exceptional and shall always be 1 of the highlights of my life.

It was a surprise trip for my 21st birthday that he worked so hard to afford. It didn’t seem real that we were actually going to Rome. The flight was a blur as was the taxi ride there but I remember arriving at the hotel. I remember being nervous and excited at the Reception desk like a little girl. It was late at night and we were quite high up in the hotel and it was only when we went into the room that I understood why.

On opening the door and looking into the spacious room I could see a big window partly covered by a pillar. When walking into the room, past the bed, around the pillar and desk I was met with a view of the Colosseum. I was so elated I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like a Princess, I had been spoilt and every little detail had been thought of. Despite it being late we had a wander and ended up on the roof of the hotel where the view was even better. It wasn’t too cold being May and the Colosseum was beautifully highlighted by the ambient street lights. The view and how I felt at that moment will remain with me always.

Whenever I see the Colosseum I also have a smell of deluxe chocolate cake come to mind as well. This is from a spontaneous evening meal we had at a restaurant called Coming Out on a street next to the Colosseum. The street and restaurant are part of a Gay Pride community and I had no idea until a guy at a table next to us flirted with the waiter. To highlight my naivety and lack of observation skills, it was only after having a starter, main and a bottle of wine I noticed that most couples there were same sex. It didn’t bother me at all but I did feel daft not noticing (and yes the name of the restaurant should have been a big clue.) Needless to say we had dessert and it was so indulgent and delicious that this has stuck with me. It was a dome of chocolate sponge covered in melted chocolate and nut shavings, like a Ferrero Roche, but with a melted chocolate centre. It was so incredible that the taste and smell has left a mark on my memory that I hope never fades.

I have returned to Rome since and relished in the view of the Colosseum all over again and it still reminds me of that first visit.

The Cheesy Romance – A Surprise Visit

A post from August 2014 I never shared.

“One thing that I love about my current boyfriend N is that he randomly visits me.

A little background on N is that we met at University on a trip to Normandy. This may sound like the cheesiest thing ever but soon as we met we just could not help but stare into each others eyes. This could easily be labelled as love at first sight and sure enough after a couple of months we were in a relationship, so it seemed only right to call this ‘The Cheesy Romance.’

When at University things were great because he only lived downstairs from me in Student Accommodation, however currently I live in the Midlands and he lives near London. In reality this is only a three hour car journey but it is still a long way and can cost a lot in fuel, so needless to say I no longer see him everyday. This does however mean that when I do see him it is even more special. Well today he surprised me.

I received a text saying he was outside and I ran out to him and gave him a big hug. I was wearing my jeans and a crop top, a style which he does not fully approve of, and he was wearing a shirt and jeans. We got in his car and I decided I wanted to have time just us and I knew exactly where I wanted to go.”

I don’t know where we went but reading this reminds me how something thoughtful can make all the difference. That a surprise doesn’t have to be a gift of something material, that instead the biggest gift you can give someone is your time.

Feeling Lost in the New Year

I have never been good with change but I feel this is more than just issues with change, it is about losing a part of myself. I will explain what has happened since New Year so it makes sense.

I started the year with some form of balance in my life between my friends and love life and had a direction for a career change. I was not only catching up with my friends regularly, I generally felt loved up and close with my boyfriend A and was looking to apply for a route into Teaching. I couldn’t be happier and the year seemed like it was going in the right direction.

After a couple of weeks though this balance seemed to change as communication broke down with my best friend N, I no longer liked the career change I had in mind and my relationship was suffering. It amazed me how quickly things fell apart. I felt as though the wind had been knocked right out of me with all areas crumbling at once. It was as though I became fully isolated and couldn’t reach out to anyone as the closest people in my life now felt a million miles away from me. I kept myself to myself for a week until I felt really low and then attempted to reach out to both A and my best friend for hope of support, reassurance and understanding. The good thing was my boyfriend A was there for me, it turned out he felt equally as lost as me and through communication we are now closer than we have ever been before and are now making plans for the future. We are not rushing into anything though,as we are just discussing and planning things but it has made me realise we are on the same page and at the same point in our lives. It has been the support and comfort I needed. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of my best friend and it is due to this I have found myself lost.

A best friend is someone you connect with, someone who is there for you and you support equally, someone that you don’t need to explain everything to as they just understand how you feel because they know you. This was how things were with my best friend anyway. We practically had a different language and had worked so hard to maintain our friendship in the past year I felt it was unbreakable. Little did I know how quickly it could change.
Our communication broke down initially as he was seeing friends, with him being distracted I just found I longed for a proper catch up. When given the opportunity to catch up though I initially found him out of reach and panicked, thinking the worst had happened. This wasn’t the case, he had just misplaced his phone so we had a pointless argument but it was quickly resolved with a phone call and we were able to catch up finally. I felt happy being updated on his life but also found myself having to adapt to the fact he had met someone he was intrigued by. This was something I had not come across with him before and so was not sure how to really react or feel. Fortunately we talked things through and he explained how I was the closest person in his life due to how much we had been through together in nearly 3 years and that he valued my friendship and had accepted I was a priority in his life. This was really comforting as often I have found when my male friends get interested in the opposite sex our friendship suffers as communication breaks down until eventually the friendship is lost. N however had reassured me this was not the case, he even said that at the weekend he would let me know when he was free to meet up, this did make me feel like a priority, even if only briefly.
Needless to say I noticed a change within a week, he was not talking to me as often as usual, his responses became vague and he no longer seemed interested in anything regarding me, not even a simple ‘how are you?’. I thought it might of just been a phase so gave him space and just looked forward to a catch up at the weekend as he did say he would let me know when he was free. On Saturday he updated me on what he had been up to, his thoughts and feelings, they were still vague and when I gave any comment he went defensive. It was as though I couldn’t communicate with him any more, he had forgotten how to respond to me as I couldn’t say anything without it turning into an argument. I explained myself, that I wasn’t arguing and just looking for reassurance, he just didn’t seem to understand. Things ended okay on the Saturday with him going sleep but I didn’t hear from him until the very end of Sunday. He had not told me when he was free for me to see him again and he had not asked anything about me, what I had been up to or how I was. In all honestly had he asked I probably would of been vague as well as I don’t know if he would really be interested. Everything I had feared, that he had reassured me wouldn’t happen happened in less than a week. So I didn’t respond to his message on Sunday, which he didn’t seem to notice.
He messaged again on Monday just saying ‘Hey’ so again I din’t respond. It became clear he doesn’t really want to know what’s going on with me any more, that since meeting someone new I no longer mattered. It took him a week from then to message again, asking ‘What is this?’ If he really wanted to know and really cared surely he would ring me for a catch up, but he doesn’t. It is not how I expected things to go at all, especially not from a best friend, a friendship that had been worked so hard for over the past year alone. It is because of this I feel lost. I still don’t know whether to message and explain this to him or just to leave it and see what happens. But I do know that I feel I have lost part of myself.

Thoughts: Unsaid

Full of so much emotion and so many things to say and knowing it is best left unsaid is so painful.

I want to tell you things will be alright, I want you to know I really do care and I miss you every day, every morning, every evening, every hour, every drive I go on … I look at my phone and want nothing more than to see your name flash on my screen but I know it is for the best it doesn’t.

Knowing that this pain is easier than talking to you is horrible. Talking to you is not the same, it never will be and it is my fault. I know this and I am sorry. I don’t know what I want, I will admit that but I know that not talking to you I feel something is missing. It is a selfish want of mine, just to be able to talk to you. I want it so bad. I just know it would hurt you and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I would say I want to be cut loose from this emotion but I am grateful for the pain, it lets me know I really did really do love you.

I have something of yours that I need to return to you. It is funny, I remember all the times I tried to return it to you and you never accepted it but now you want it back I don’t want to let go.  I keep thinking about how I am going to do it, just to return it on its own, to return it with a note but I know you probably would not want a note. That again would be me being selfish.

I just hope you know this is not easy for me.
I am sorry for how this has turned out.
I just want you to be happy.

Starting Over

Yet again I have turned my life in on itself, I have changed my hair colour and style but most significantly I have ended another relationship.

Though changing my hair will not appear to be a big deal it really was. I have never got tired of the style but I got to the point where I wanted a change because I didn’t like it any more, possibly to the point I was actually bored with it. This was enough of a reason to decide a change was necessary. I didn’t have a second thought and made the decision over night. I went to the hair dressers; picked two colours which would boldly sit next to one another and told her the style I wanted. She changed my parting and started shaping my hair before dying it. This was it, I had made the decision and there was no going back. I didn’t mind at all. After leaving it to set it was time to rinse and dry my hair, the ‘major unveiling’ of what my hair actually looked like. The colours were distinctively different to what it was before and she again started shaping the hair. With every part being cut I knew this would be permanent, well until my hair starts to grow anyway. Surprisingly though when it was done I didn’t feel a huge sense of shock or surprise, it just seemed to fit better and I instantly accepted it and liked it. I looked different and felt different, I wanted to show off my new look and though this was quite a little change in the grand scheme of things it was still a change. The reasons for this however could not be any more different to the reasons for ending my relationship.

Relationships can be the most complicated things at the best of times let alone at the worst. With regards to this one though it has had highs and lows and the lows surprisingly even made it better in some aspects but ultimately I found myself unhappy and at times feeling lost.

Now I know that in relationships, particularly ones that last a while, you lose the idea of ‘I’ and it becomes ‘We’ and I actually liked this, even if at times I found it daunting, but this was more than that. Instead I lost myself in the sense that I no longer recognised who I was or what I wanted. I found that I was just going along with the flow. There is nothing wrong with this, except that when I stopped to focus on the traits that made me ‘Me’ I found traits I didn’t recognise and that I didn’t actually like. I had become someone I didn’t like. I had avoided focusing on me for so long that I had lost parts of me along the way. I instead found a person that was stubborn, self-loathing, jealous and irritable just to name a few. I started taking quizzes and reading articles in a hope to discover more about myself by answering questions on preferences, things I had done and things I wanted to do, thinking it would help me figure out what I wanted. This brought me to a quiz on relationships, suitability for relationships in particular. In taking this quiz I found that I was anything but suitable for a relationship. This was horrible, I felt horrible, I felt like I had let my boyfriend down and that he deserved better, so that’s what I did. I tried to be better. I tried to make more time; I tried to avoid things I know he didn’t like and all I found was further unhappiness as I had lost myself even more. I found that trying to change was not helping me feel better at all and that I was even further from discovering who I am. It was at this point that I came to the conclusion that I need to figure out who I am before I can be in a relationship.

This was something that I didn’t want to accept but with more issues adding to it such as distance I found it was a decision I could no longer avoid. Whether this is the right decision or not, I do not know. All I know is that I want to find myself again, I want to like me again and not focusing on the fact that other people like me. This has been the hardest decision because I know the pain I am causing my now ex-boyfriend in doing this and I don’t know if that will be reversible. I love him so much, I have my own little world with him but this is something I feel I need to do and I hope that at the end I will find happiness within myself and that he will forgive me.

So here is to starting over, on a journey of self discovery. Wish me luck. It is going to be a long journey.

A Thank You

Ever been in such a bad place you do not know where to turn, what to think or what to do? I have. And I am there right now. Too many thoughts in my head all telling me conflicting things, but fortunately I have found something that helps. What helps me is to read and write. To write down everything that is in my head so as to make sense of my thoughts and to read blogs of people who may possibly relate.

So I would like thank you bloggers . Your thoughts feelings and experiences are helping me come to terms with my own and helping me figure what to do next. So thanks again.